I was reading the latest post (http://bellejar.ca/2014/08/18/airing-my-dirty-laundry/ ) on a blog I follow and found these lines:. "For many people with mental illness, talking about it is the first step they take to recovering. But they’re not going to talk about it if no one else talks about it, you know?"
...and it got me thinking. Did not one of my favorite bloggers miss an important step? How about admitting to themselves first that they have a problem? Then comes talking about it, right? But then I could not agree more when she said "Everyone knows that mental illness exists; everyone knows the devastating effect that it can have, both on the people suffering from it and their friends and families. This is not new information – it’s something that we’ve known forever and ever. But the hush-hush way we’ve developed of discussing it and dealing with it clearly aren’t working. So let’s finally start talking about it, because that’s the only chance that we have of beating it."
Thank you for raising it. Let's talk about it. I would also talk about caregivers. And the supposed caregivers. Because to be a caregiver you need a person to at least vaguely recognise he/she is in need of care. Here the one in need often denies being in need. I had some first hand and some borrowed experience. Some I knew completely denied any existence of any problem. The others had inkling from time to time. And some others sought regular treatment.
The other day, my friend wrote from USA. Her friend needs support. This girl's parents are severely depressed. They did not like to wash up now anymore. They were blocking everyone even hinting at getting support. Instead they want their only daughter to divorce her husband, leave her children in USA, come back and stay with them to take care. No. She can not come for a short duration to help them. They think their only daughter being away is the most unnatural thing that could have happened to anyone and feel most justified in feeling a sadness that crippled their everyday life. If this can not be corrected, they would like to remain sad.
A friend of mine was constantly pushed to get married by his father who blamed his depression on this friend. His bad mood had only one cure; my friend's marriage. I wish it was this easy. We talked about the ridiculousness of it knowing there were far deeper reasons. Now that his father is no more, I know the loving son that my friend is, he would feel the pinch of this unfulfilled wish. However much he knew that his marriage was no way responsible for his father's sadness.
Another friend's mother suffered from bipolarity. She also lived two lives between her workplace and home. In her college she was very popular. At home she was a monster whom all of us feared. Our friend had a pretty horrible childhood. She literally ran away to another city in pretext of work as soon as she could get a degree. Just to get rid of that killing negativity. Her mother held this against her till she was alive. She called her selfish for choosing to work outside that city. No. Her mother was not a single woman. Now that her mother is no more following a massive heart attack, this friend examines and re-examines whether she was really selfish in leaving her parents behind? She often tries to picture her mother as a nice, warm, loving woman in her conversations with us. Some of us have been with her through this journey and find it hard to take. However, we hear her patiently and keep our sighs well hidden. It may be her way of coping. We often wonder whether she needs help.
A friend of mine was constantly pushed to get married by his father who blamed his depression on this friend. His bad mood had only one cure; my friend's marriage. I wish it was this easy. We talked about the ridiculousness of it knowing there were far deeper reasons. Now that his father is no more, I know the loving son that my friend is, he would feel the pinch of this unfulfilled wish. However much he knew that his marriage was no way responsible for his father's sadness.
Another friend's mother suffered from bipolarity. She also lived two lives between her workplace and home. In her college she was very popular. At home she was a monster whom all of us feared. Our friend had a pretty horrible childhood. She literally ran away to another city in pretext of work as soon as she could get a degree. Just to get rid of that killing negativity. Her mother held this against her till she was alive. She called her selfish for choosing to work outside that city. No. Her mother was not a single woman. Now that her mother is no more following a massive heart attack, this friend examines and re-examines whether she was really selfish in leaving her parents behind? She often tries to picture her mother as a nice, warm, loving woman in her conversations with us. Some of us have been with her through this journey and find it hard to take. However, we hear her patiently and keep our sighs well hidden. It may be her way of coping. We often wonder whether she needs help.
Then there is that identified someone who is the root of all the problems. This identified person changes from time to time but it is always someone else. At times more than one. And that is part of the illness, right? The person sees the source of all his happiness and sorrows outside himself. Someone else causes them. Everything that she does is done for others. Every time he feels bad is because of situations created by others. She feels constantly controlled by others. He feels constantly pulled into other's agenda. Its a tough life. Can you even imagine living that nightmare? Its a struggle to wake yourself up everyday. To get ready. To go to a office that you hate. Especially when all you want is to sleep. Scary. Isn't it?
But, have you tried sitting on the seat of those supposedly creating this unhappiness? Being those who are constantly causing pain? Or being those who have pushed them to do these terrible things that they are not happy about? And tolerate this almost forever? Then you would know what I am talking about. Have you tried to make things alright? In all your naivete somehow believed if you find a solution to this one problem, things will be better? Have you constantly tried to change your life, curbed your idea of happiness, limited your ideas of living because you wanted to see the other person happy? And have you given up, finally? After years of trying to make someone happy and then trying to help recognizing the issue and then trying to take them to a doctor and trying to make them follow the treatment plan and giving up, finally? Have you run for your life? Have you felt so sucked into that environment of negativity that the only way to live, seemed to run? Or have you accepted their wish and let them move away? Then you know what I am talking about. At the same time you also know that if they seek help at a moment of desperation, you will stand there again. You will run to be of help.
If you have gone through any one set of these experiences, you would appreciate it so much that there is movement to recognize depression as a major illness. Depression however, is the most treatable of all the mental illnesses. It has the best prognosis. Please seek professional help. Do not self diagnose. Do not prescribe medicines to each other. Counselors being churned out of short courses scare the hell out of me. More so when I hear experiences of some of my courageous friends who have tried to visit a so called psychological counselor in India. Please take good advice. As people discuss depression, I would also urge all of you to raise consciousness about other mental illnesses. There is not enough awareness on other mental illnesses like bipolarity. It does not have a good prognosis, especially if the patient is non cooperative. Or the DSM II category issues. Popping a pill will not help always. That brings me back to the caregivers. There is tremendous pressure on them. Unsolicited advice is part of their every day life. They are made to feel guilty about the unhappiness of their spouses. It is in any case difficult to manage a patient who is not cooperating and not responsive. Its not only a thankless job, a caregiver often finds himself or herself completely isolated from the patient. She/he gets blocked out. And the pressure of keeping the household going with children, senior members in need of care is so much that one feels one would break down any time. Therefore the caregivers need good advice too. They need support too. There is a need for support group for caregivers, where you can discuss feeling wretched in a guilt free manner and get support. Do they exist?
