Who is Fumbling on Forgiveness After All?

It has been a long time since I have been musing on this topic. I wanted to write on it quite a few times but I, even I, fear being misunderstood. I have seen often when I write a reflective piece people think there is something immediate that I want to refer to. If I am reflecting on sadness, I must be sad. If I am reflecting on heartbreak, I must be heartbroken. So much so, once I had refered to one of my own writings sitting by the Caribbean Sea and someone wrote to me how I have decided to not to be happy ever! If I was not thinking happy thoughts 24/7 sitting beside the Caribbean, I must have banished myself in the country of forever sadness! I often think such reactions stop people from reflecting in a world, which anyway is all about doing, and being miserable at that. 

Today however, I want to push away that fear a little and pen down this reflection on forgiveness. I have been reflecting for some time on my encounter with a whole bunch of people who believe, if a substantial amount of time has passed, anything is forgivable. Some of them believe no apology is required (given their seniority in age, status), not even acknoledgement of the hurt. Some others believe if they had said sorry, it should be a reason enough to forgive and forget and live life like nothing ever happened. This phenomenon has totally baffled me from the very first time onwards! I had to however reflect on the complete unjustified nature of this expectation since the time "flying monkeys" have descended in scores to justify it. 

Do you know about flying monkeys? The term comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch of the West uses flying monkeys under her spell. They work for her. In real life also these are the people who would always apprear on behalf of the perpetrator to put doubts in your mind. "It can not be that bad!", "You have made it bigger in your head", "They must not have meant bad!" "Your parents/siblings/natal family/spouse (whichever apply) cant be wishing bad for you!," "Normal people generally let go after a few weeks/months/years!" The last one is my favourite of course. I have heard it from the perpetrator herself and also from the recruited flying monkeys in various occassions. :)

I am very intrigued by the concept of forgiveness many people have. I am all for forgiveness to the extent of neutralising the effect of the incident on your day to day life. Like Kurt Vonnegut, I do catch myself feeling sad about things that don't matter anymore, but I let go of it's chair on my everyday table when the disappointment, the betrayal, the pain stayed it's course. When it's done staying. For a long time, they ate (or skipped) breakfast, lunch, and dinner with you and slept or tossed in the same bed, but now all you have is the memory of them. Not the feeling itself. You generally make peace with your present and live your life. So far so good. I am with you. I just do not understand how does the forgiveness extend to giving the perpetrator access to your current life again! For me that is not part of forgiveness. It is many a times being stupid of the first order (and I have been that). The perpetrator has not acknowledge the harm, or the intensity of the harm, has even denied having any role in harming you, has not said sorry (only tried to jusify his action), has made you question your understanding of the situation, and they have no intention of changing their behaviour and you are often told my the flying monkeys how forgiveness means starting on a blank slate. Oh no! There is no blank slate because no work has happened on repair. You have spent years waiting for the repair. You had to instead notice the pattern. You had to get your heart broken again and again. And by the people who were supposed to be your best bets in human race. And now you recognise them like you recognise the winter. Now you see them coming from liles off and look into their eyes. You firmly stand your ground till the time they hover. You wrap yourself with the blankets of kindness and care. You had to learn it the hard way. And you wait. Patiently. The winter will pass and so will the storm. Unless you love a tumultous life full of drama, I do not see any point in giving them access to your life again. Forgiveness for others should not mean a life a perpetual torture for yourself. 

And yes, I do not believe everything is forgivable. Not everything should be forgiven. Neither does every human deserve an access to you. However, you definitely deserve forgiveness from yourself for being the self that sought love where love was never to be found. After all some of these people were "given" to you in the name of love and they failed. May they do better with others. May you do better for yourself.