How do you learn?

Where did you learn about love?
My kid sister learnt about it from a yellow frock
A frilled frock with L O V E embroidered in red.
She called it "lovee" frock (greedy in Bengali)
She made the connection with desire early.
She only wanted her "lovee" frock on special evenings.

Where did you learn about love?
In the tenderness of your mother's words..
As you fell asleep on your big brother's lap
As you hugged and then missed your grand mom forever
In that smell of her wet clothes, in those veined fingers
That you played with in summer afternoons.
Or as you sat on that front rod of the bicycle of your favorite uncle
Where you were perched safely and rode humming "John Henry"
And imagined your uncle to be no less than the folk hero.
What if none of this ever happened to you?
How would you learn about love, then?
What would guide your idea ? Who would tell you about it?

Where did you learn about hugs?
Was it from that back thumping friend of yours
Who casually kicked your butt with a leg folded backwards as you walked side by side
Was it from him that you learnt you do not have to worry about your body to hug?
Or from that baby who after quietly lying in your arms for months
decided to raise his hands to give you an embrace in no unclear terms.
Was it from him that you learnt that hugs can be happy, unconditional and unhesitating?
Or was it from the woman who always "win"s?
She came from far east and hugged to change my world.
I wish I could hug like her. Always unconscious of my body!
I wish I could touch the soul like she always does.
Bodies do not matter!
And if none of this ever happened to you where would you learn about hugs?
Would you still learn about them?

Where did you learn about laughter?
Was it from that black and white shot of your mother?
It seemed she would come out of that picture, any moment
You can almost hear the laugh she laughed that afternoon.
What if your mother did not believe in laughing out loud?
What if she believed you are not to make noise?
Where would you learn about laughter then?
May be from that gang of girls? Nah! what would giggling girls know about laughter!
May be from those young boys? Nah! that hyena calling is very far from a laughter!
And if you do not...
Would you then look starry eyed at men who can laugh that full throat laugh?
Would you be at awe of those high-fiving women laughing their heads off?
Would you still find these...umm..them.. normal?

Now a days picture of a child forms in my mind
Who played with cars incessantly while others remained busy with knitting and pets
With their school and exercise copies, their so called work
As their own growing up did not get over....
They remained busy.
The child never made many friends and never looked for a hug
She knew none was coming!

I wonder would he ever learn about love, hugs and laughter?
Would he look for any? Ever?
Would she turn her head the other way
And doze off.....
I wonder...

The one you could send away

I am being sent away. 

Again!
For the umpteenth time.
Who was I this time?
Who did you send away?

That girl who sat with you all through your journey 
When you traveled from Sawantwadi to Pernem.
That young girl whom you’d love to see again.
You felt forever grateful to the booking clerk
For giving her a seat beside you.
You could view the beautiful Konkan landscape, together.
Through one wide carriage-window.
And you thought, "All my life beside this girl
I’d gladly travel through the world."
Alas! She never looked back.

Or that girl whom you met near your door?
She needed to know her way in Karachi
and lost her's into you.
You had told her, you were to marry someone else.
And you shared nothing beyond the oral pleasures.
"I am a shy man", you said. "Do not expect much". 
She persisted. But then one day, decided,
Downtown is not somewhere she wanted to go anymore!
She had made up her mind.
And this, even before you, yourself could actually marry and move on.
She did not care any more about your pleasures 
And pleasurable pains.
She sent you off! 
She went the way she came. Sudden. Just like that.

Looking for another way perhaps.
She defied every logic. 
Were you trying to send her away this time? 

Or, was I that classmate? Your first love?
She admired you with her eyes in a way that
Her eyelashes brushed your cheeks every time you looked at her.
She lit up the deserted streets in the spring evenings by simply walking through them.
Sudden showers seemed her forte.
They were at her beck and call. 
But then she grew up and realized you did not!
She studied hard. 

Moved to a bigger city. 
A city pregnant with possibilities...
Where you became a memory for her. 
Was I that girl when you sent me away this time? 

I came to tell you stories.
There are so many tales to tell you still.
A part of me wants to sit with you and tell you
About a wanderer at heart who built a peaceful home.
Unhurried. Sun and clouds take their time lazing there. 
And about these strong, upright women 

Who love being enveloped in friendly hugs.
A globe trotter who leaves herself in her motherland.
She comes back every time to find her, again!  
About a wounded heart who loves protecting others'.
About someone struggling to get out of a maze...
How they push inch by inch and do not give up!
I thought of telling you about dreams, 

About forests, and rivers...
And of course people.
Stories are almost always about people.

But I will tell you none of these.
This time, I will let you send me away.
I want to go away precisely when you ask me to
And I would hope that it helps. 
I hope it settles the score! 

One final time.

Although, I know scores can't be settled that way..

But still I would...

Because I believe, 
Once you see you can send away too,
And go away when you want to..
You will find a way of getting back.
To yourself.

The vanishing act

As a young girl I really wanted to learn the vanishing act!

I liked to think some day nobody will find me ever again. 

Nowhere!
I wanted to test whether my parents would be anxious for me.
I wanted to see whether my sister would stop eating.
But my wish could not be fulfilled!

It was not only about disappearance, right?
I had to be there somehow to witness 

All the things that could  happen in my absence.
The only recourse was the vanishing act!
And I was sure I could master it, somehow!

Some day!

"May be the secret of the vanishing act was some kind of a potion", I thought.
And of course, acted on that thought.
I mixed a popular antiseptic liquid in salt water
And added some broken egg shells for the effect...
I only ended up spending a few days in the hospital.
Parents did not cry...

They were angry!

And I was shared.

Playing in the beach during summer holidays,
I used to dig up the sand
and then go in and meticulously started covering myself feet upwards
bit by bit by bit...
I wished a miraculous knowledge would dawn upon me
And while covering every inch, every part of my body
I will find a way to cover my eyes and still see through the mist of sand.
But that did not happen.

I could run away from home,  I had thought about it.
I actually planned it in great details.
I even acquired a big bunch of incense sticks that I could sell for a living.
I calculated if they are sold per piece, I could live on my own for 2 full days!
But then it would not have been possible to see what was happening back home!
I had to abandon the project.

I came closest to vanishing, by climbing the overhead bunker at home one day!
I was looked for and not found the entire morning.
And I could see it all.
They just did not look up.

They did not think I could climb up.
I jumped from my hideout after some time to surprise them all.
I feared if I stayed any longer, returning to real world would not be possible

Without experiencing some real pain.

My fear came true though..

My mother made sure that
I felt it on my body; how she felt in her heart!

Or that was what I was told at least. 
That was the closest I got to vanishing!

It is only later, 

After many years, 
I learnt that every human being can vanish.
Every one actually know the vanishing act.
From the very first day. 
It is a talent that they are born with.
They appear and disappear at their own will.

Bodies have nothing to do with it.

And I? 

I can do that too.