Have you been loved without being liked?
I have. For a long time.
Or was I just told that I was loved?
I remain confused about it.
If I think about it carefully, I was told I was loved, when probed.
I was told yes, the times that he did not get angry about being asked.
Why did I ask? because it was never apparent otherwise.
Neither in words. Nor in deeds.
He did a very good job in hiding any love that he may have had for me.
I never had to doubt otherwise.
I sometimes think he said yes because it is difficult to tell people they are not loved once you have played the love rituals with them.
You have gone through all the things generally associated with love, without loving.
You feel ashamed to admit that at times.
Even to yourself.
So you say, "What kind of question is that? Sleep now!"
On the other hand, it was made very clear that I was not liked.
Almost everything about me was disapproved.
Or everything that I had become instead of what he wanted me to become.
He was working on molding me just fine, when my bones rebelled.
"Rebellious to the bone!", my mother often said with a regret in her voice.
She could not mold me. Nor could he.
He could never tell me 'though that he did not like me.
I had to feel it. Every day.
I wish he did.
I wish he had a way of knowing he could love me, although he did not like me.
May be he loved me in his own way.
After all love is often a habit. One gets used to loving people.
Loving is not a sign of liking anyone.
Much like how breathing is not a sign of living.
(If you want to know if one still lives, check your heart, not her breathing.
But then I am diverting here...lets talk of love.)
You love because you have always loved some.
Have you noticed that you can love just like that?
You do not ponder if the person "deserves" love.
You get love without deserving it.
You love people who least deserve it.
Love has nothing to do with rightful entitlement.
It is not won. as a child I resented that you can not.
As an adult i am stoic about it.
You also love some people because you have always loved them.
You do not remember not loving them ever.
It is like a memory which transcends this life.
Even if you have not seen them for years,
Even if they have changed beyond recognition,
Even if they were not the one you really loved,
You just love them.
You have not explored any other emotion for them in your heart.
It is strange to think any other emotion can be associated with them in the long run.
Like a round polished stone-ball, that always settle at the base of a mountain,
They occupy the base of your heart, where love resides.
I still look up to the sky to have a glimpse of that question mark.
He still murmurs "where are you?" when sad,
though we both know we don't love our current avatars.
We have changed beyond recognition.
I did not like all the people I loved.
Coming to think of it, I loved more people than I ever liked.
I have found liking people much more difficult.
How can you like that ever curious aunt of yours, who wants to "know" at the cost of hurt.
Or that judgmental cousin, who often disapproves your dresses, your ideology, your friends.
Although you have been mad at them from time to time,
You have largely known no other emotion for them than love.
Loving is much easier than liking, you see!
You don't have to justify it.
You don't even have to think why.
You just love.
Love is after all the most truant of all the emotions.
It is permitted its mischief.
It is permitted to sit on top of tomb and sing eternal poetry of love.
It is permitted to look for that one small pendant in the heaps of rubble when houses fall to the ground during wars.
It is permitted to go around the whole world looking for love and come back to the same old self and stand in front of a mirror and say with much vanity, with head a bit tilted upwards..
"You know what! Let them say whatever they want!
I love you!"
I have. For a long time.
Or was I just told that I was loved?
I remain confused about it.
If I think about it carefully, I was told I was loved, when probed.
I was told yes, the times that he did not get angry about being asked.
Why did I ask? because it was never apparent otherwise.
Neither in words. Nor in deeds.
He did a very good job in hiding any love that he may have had for me.
I never had to doubt otherwise.
I sometimes think he said yes because it is difficult to tell people they are not loved once you have played the love rituals with them.
You have gone through all the things generally associated with love, without loving.
You feel ashamed to admit that at times.
Even to yourself.
So you say, "What kind of question is that? Sleep now!"
On the other hand, it was made very clear that I was not liked.
Almost everything about me was disapproved.
Or everything that I had become instead of what he wanted me to become.
He was working on molding me just fine, when my bones rebelled.
"Rebellious to the bone!", my mother often said with a regret in her voice.
She could not mold me. Nor could he.
He could never tell me 'though that he did not like me.
I had to feel it. Every day.
I wish he did.
I wish he had a way of knowing he could love me, although he did not like me.
May be he loved me in his own way.
After all love is often a habit. One gets used to loving people.
Loving is not a sign of liking anyone.
Much like how breathing is not a sign of living.
(If you want to know if one still lives, check your heart, not her breathing.
But then I am diverting here...lets talk of love.)
You love because you have always loved some.
Have you noticed that you can love just like that?
You do not ponder if the person "deserves" love.
You get love without deserving it.
You love people who least deserve it.
Love has nothing to do with rightful entitlement.
It is not won. as a child I resented that you can not.
As an adult i am stoic about it.
You also love some people because you have always loved them.
You do not remember not loving them ever.
It is like a memory which transcends this life.
Even if you have not seen them for years,
Even if they have changed beyond recognition,
Even if they were not the one you really loved,
You just love them.
You have not explored any other emotion for them in your heart.
It is strange to think any other emotion can be associated with them in the long run.
Like a round polished stone-ball, that always settle at the base of a mountain,
They occupy the base of your heart, where love resides.
I still look up to the sky to have a glimpse of that question mark.
He still murmurs "where are you?" when sad,
though we both know we don't love our current avatars.
We have changed beyond recognition.
I did not like all the people I loved.
Coming to think of it, I loved more people than I ever liked.
I have found liking people much more difficult.
How can you like that ever curious aunt of yours, who wants to "know" at the cost of hurt.
Or that judgmental cousin, who often disapproves your dresses, your ideology, your friends.
Although you have been mad at them from time to time,
You have largely known no other emotion for them than love.
Loving is much easier than liking, you see!
You don't have to justify it.
You don't even have to think why.
You just love.
Love is after all the most truant of all the emotions.
It is permitted its mischief.
It is permitted to sit on top of tomb and sing eternal poetry of love.
It is permitted to look for that one small pendant in the heaps of rubble when houses fall to the ground during wars.
It is permitted to go around the whole world looking for love and come back to the same old self and stand in front of a mirror and say with much vanity, with head a bit tilted upwards..
"You know what! Let them say whatever they want!
I love you!"
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